Gone

I laid in my bed this morning listening the incessant noise blaring from the toy keyboard my two year old was playing with.  My heart was beating fast as if I had already had three cups of coffee, but the only thing racing through my body at that moment was fear. My heart was beating with the anxiousness that comes with suddenly being a single mother of three.  The deployment that has twice been delayed is now upon us.  The tearful goodbye came last night; the boys and I went to bed with blurry eyes and sinking hearts. 
I awoke this morning with that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I spied the mason jar on my dresser filled with Hershey's kisses.  The tag on the jar promises me a kiss for each day my husband is away;  how I wish those wrappers held the sweetness that can only come from him. 
My mission for the day:  wash, dry, fold, and put away clothes that will not be touched for months.  Do I leave his shoes by the door as a remembrance that he is still with us in spirit?  Or do I put them away in the darkness of the closet, warm and snuggled with the rest of his belongings, in order to guard my heart from the loneliness that the sight of empty shoes can bring?  The closet is calling... 
I will clean the bathroom, clean the refrigerator, and make the beds;  I will attempt to put order into that which has been torn apart.   When we lose (even temporarily) a part of our bodies...of what makes us who we are...we suffer.  We adapt to fit this new half life, all the while knowing that we won't feel full again until he returns. 
I woke up this morning with a real understanding that, as of last night, my husband is gone. 

Let the count down begin...

Deployment is not something we chose;  the military life is not something anyone looks longingly at, and says, "I wish my life was that easy...".  No, it's hard.  It puts strains on families that no can understand unless they've lived it themselves.  It's a unique bitter sweetness that mixes pride with pain, and develops in the individuals involved strength and perseverance.  In many ways life in the military reflects that of life as a Christ follower;  there are ups and downs, pains and joys, separations and homecomings.  Sometimes we stay strong, and sometimes we fall on our faces, but in the end we look toward the goal and we ask for the strength to keep moving forward. 

Months from now, the boys and I will be anxiously pacing in a hangar waiting to hear the tell-tale sound of planes flying over head.  We'll see them race by in formation each breaking off, one at a time, to land.  They will line up on the runway, and on cue each will shut down their engines.  There will be a pause, a few beats of hearts about to burst, and then slowly the first boot will appear on the steps.  Within seconds we'll be running out to meet them, our flight suit clad husbands and daddies, and pain will turn to joy in an instant.  In some ways, the separation is the worth the reunion. 

This is the fifth big deployment in our almost 12 year marriage (this in no way counts the months of training, schools, etc., that have separated us in the times between deployments), but as I reflect upon my life I'm starting to think about the "deployments" I have taken in my walk of faith.  How many times have I said goodbye to my Savior, to my Father, in order to go out into the world on my own.  These deployments most often happen by choice, by the systematic removal of God from my everyday life.  Sometimes they catch my by surprise;  I walk along, suddenly look up, and the air goes out of my lungs as I realize He's gone... 
These deployments, being that they are of our own making, can be however long we chose for them to be;  they can be intense, or mild, life defining, priority adjusting, view changing, or heart hardening.  The thing about these kind of deployments is that God is never really gone from our lives;  He is with us always, and it is we who leave, we who start believe the lie that life is about more than following Him.  He allows us to go through these times, to see the world, and to feel the pain that comes from separation.  When we turn back to Him, His glory races through the clouds above us, and He lands before us revealing the beauty and sweetness of who He is;  it is in this moment that we feel the fullness of what we have come through, the sadness and the joy, the fear and the hope, and the ties of love that time and distance cannot break.  These are the moments in our walk with Him that define us. 

Deployments are hard, they are sometimes scary and overwhelming, and they sometimes feel hopeless, but through each day we can gain strength, grow character, and glorify Him as we walk, or sometimes crawl, toward the goal that awaits us. 

Thank God for the deployments and homecomings in your life, for the times that He never left you, and for the times that He once again filled you, and reminded you of what life is really about.  Hold on to the sweetness of those moments...they are water that quenches your soul when the dry times come;  they are they hope that keeps you moving forward. 

"...we glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."  Romans 5:3-5