We have had a very busy day today, and as I logged on to the computer tonight, I really had no thought of writing a post...I wasn't feeling very inspired. I fiddled around on my email, checked the stats on the blog, and then shut it down. I did my nightly sink full of dishes, made some tea, and headed toward the bedrooms to fold laundry...yippee. On my way by, I quietly slipped into my older boys' room to do what I have just this week started doing...praying over them. If you've never tried it with your kids, you should. There is something wonderful that happens when in the silence of their sleep you hold them and pray for them.
Samuel was still awake; my big seven year old tries to hold out as late as he can before finally giving in to bedtime. I held him; he looked up at me and said, "Mommy, I love you with all of my heart."
I moved to the lower bunk, looked at my sleeping Micah, and in that moment I felt God asking me to share something special that He revealed to me today.
My laundry can wait, and if you can excuse the late night rambling of a weary mother, I will share with you the blessing Micah gave me today...
I tell Micah all the time, "I love you with all of my Micah love"; my "Micah love" is deep, and as far as the east is from the west. In order for you to understand my love for Micah though, I need to describe him and his personality. Micah was born screaming, and he has never stopped. I barely remember the first two years of his life; the days are a blur of exhaustion, frustration, and to a point, hopelessness. He was honestly the most difficult child I had ever witnessed; you could call it strong-willed, thick headed, stubborn... The child never slept more than ten minutes at a time for the first six months of his life, and then after that, we were lucky if it was two hours at a time.
I had a great group of friends who all had young children as well; they constantly offered to help me, and when I pointed out that they had their own kids to worry about, I remember one of them saying, "Yes, but we all know your situation is different. Micah is different." And he was...
God gave me Micah, and He walked side by side with me through the fog of the early part of his life, holding me up and sometimes carrying me through the months and years.
Here we are five years later. Micah is incredibly sweet; he is loving and kind. His preschool teachers would always tell me how he was the "classroom cheerleader"; always having encouraging words to say to his friends. Not only that, but he is cute; he is funny and crazy; he loves to dance and be silly, but Micah still has another side to him...
Every once in a while, that old strong-headedness comes out, and I catch a glimpse of that two year old screaming his head off, thrashing around on the floor: Micah has a temper. It's not out of control, and he can mostly keep it contained, but it's there; always under the surface.
Whether it's that he has been really tired lately, or that his dad has been away too long, or that he's bored and ready to get back to school...whatever the reason...that temper has been rearing it's ugly head. The battle of the wills that played out in our kitchen last night was epic; it will go down in the Micah history books as one of the most difficult battles fought in our house. He didn't win, of course, and was rightly disciplined, but as I scrubbed Hamburger Helper off the window, and the floor, and the table, I asked God, "Why? Why now when You have been teaching me so much about Yourself? Why now when I feel so close to You? Why do I feel so defeated? Why does it feel like this is Satan testing me? How can I feel Your presence when I am frustrated and overwhelmed with a child who is so strong willed?"
I'm not angry in my discipline, and I follow what I believe to be God's leading in it, but it doesn't make it easy, and I don't have a warm, fuzzy feeling afterwards; in the end, I feel disappointed that we had to get to that point, especially when most of the time Micah is such an amazing kid. As I prayed over him last night, I really prayed for answers as to whether I was disciplining correctly, and as to why these outburst were occurring (this was just one in a list we've had lately). I still couldn't shake the feeling that it was a testing for me in some way.
This morning when I opened my eyes, Micah's face was the first one I saw. With his sleepy eyes and he bedhead, he came trudging into my room, bright and early. He gave me a big hug and told me good morning. He's always been my early riser (when he sleeps at all), and I can always count on his bright smile to get me going in the morning. Today Micah was full of questions about obedience; he wanted to understand why he had to obey certain things that his 19 month old brother doesn't. I found that all I had to say today when he even remotely started to not listen was, "are you going to chose to obey or disobey?", and right away he was onto whatever task I gave him; it was a joy.
This afternoon I was able to take the boys to the playground briefly in the middle of two different doctor appointments. I hung back at the car because my little guy was sleeping, but I watched my older two race from slide to slide then onto the monkey bars, and finally the rock wall. Suddenly, Micah started running towards the car with a huge smile on his face; he said, "Mommy! Mommy! I did it!! I did it!! I climbed the wall! I was scared, but I knew God was with me, so I did it! I couldn't do it yesterday, but I could today because I knew God was with me!!" His joy and excitement was bubbling over, and it was contagious; he was jumping up and down, and he was in awe that God had allowed him the strength to climb this little playground rock wall. I thought, "if only I got so excited about each wall He helps me over..."
When I tucked them into bed tonight, Micah had that same exploding excitement when he told me that last night he prayed to God that He would help him not have nightmares, but to give him good dreams, "and He did, Mommy!! God gave me good dreams so that I could sleep all night!! I'm going to pray the same thing tonight!" His joy over what God had done for him last night was incredible, indescribable really. You see last night, when I was so discouraged and upset with what had transpired in our kitchen, Micah was in his bed praying that God would help him to sleep better. You know what the awesome part was...he did sleep...all three of my boys slept all night long, and I woke up a better Mommy for it.
Micah's attitude lately has been testing me, and really, for as long as he has been alive he has tested me in ways I could never have imagined, but when I stopped and prayed specifically for what I needed, God revealed an amazing thing: Micah is in the palm of His hand. I feel confident in my discipline of Micah because he displayed an amazing amount of understanding about the "obedience" talk we had last night; he wanted to understand it further today, and he asked me all kinds of questions about it throughout the day. God also made a way for me to see Him through Micah today, and that was so special. To see the excitement and wonder in his eyes over what God can do when we pray was priceless, and it made me see that God had answered my prayers as well; maybe I need to be jumping up and down in joy for that! God wove His way through my disappointment and discouragement, and showed me that He is with me, and that He has His hand directly on Micah. There is nothing God can't do when we turn to Him and ask Him for help; Micah discovered that today, and through his excitement, I could see that amazing truth with my own eyes.
My "Micah love" is huge; in spite of his screaming (we call it his "voice immodulation problem"), or maybe partly because of it, I love him in ways that are completely unique to him. Just as Samuel has taught me to see the world through a different lens, Micah has shown me how to embrace the world full force. He loves to live, and he barrels through life like an unstoppable force, but every once in a while God slows him down and reveals to me that He is still in control.
I thank God for Micah everyday, and especially today when His answers to my prayers came straight from my little man himself.
"With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall...God arms me with strength, and He makes my ways perfect." Psalm 18:29 and 32
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