I had a very unique childhood; for privacy reasons, I won't describe exactly where I spent my younger years, but if you envision a medium-sized castle overlooking the water, that would be similar to my home growing up. Stone walls, wrought iron gates, security, and tourists snapping pictures...that was my life. Before you get the wrong idea, we weren't wealthy, we were part of the working class; the servants, in a way. Regardless of our station though, we still got to live there; surrounded by the safety that thick impenetrable walls provide. Our quarters were located deep inside of this massive home, if you could call it a home; it was a museum of sorts, and we were hidden inside of it's protective chambers.
I remember, as a child, being afraid of the dark shadows and the rattling of my bedroom windows through which all I could see were the top of the trees. Those things frightened me in an old, haunted kind of way, but fears of break-ins or fires burning down our home, those were things I never thought of...why would I? No one could hurt me there.
When I got married the thing people would tease my husband about was how he was ever going to afford to keep up with the "lifestyle I was accustom to"; it was a funny joke that neither one of us took seriously, but there was one adjustment that I didn't expect. I had never lived a "normal" house, and suddenly fears of break-ins, fires, etc. became very real. With a husband who travels as much as mine does, there was really no time to get used to living alone in a house that wasn't my safe castle...I was thrown directly into a living situation where I was very vulnerable to real life....eek...
For years, every time Cory has left, I have slept with at least a few lights on, if not all of them; I fall asleep with the TV going because the silence scares me. It wasn't until this past year that I have become braver, and now I just leave the bathroom light on when I go to bed; maybe I'm growing up a little.
I decided recently though that I really need to be stronger for my boys, and I need to start trusting God more because even if I can't see in the dark, He can. I had been doing okay with this new resolve to not fear the night until two nights ago; I have always known that Satan attacks people at their weakest points, but lately I have felt those attacks in a very real way.
I don't usually have dreams, but that night I did, and it was a bad one; it was the running for you life kind of dream, and it freaked me out so much that I woke up with a start and sat straight up in bed. I had relaxed my policy on no windows being left open at night, and had decided for that one night I could leave the one in my room open. Remembering this, I immediately shut and locked it. Turning some lights on, I checked on the boys; they were still all fast asleep in there beds. I laid back down and succumb to my vivid imagination; fearing for our safety, and for Cory's so far away from us. I began to half-heartedly pray, and through the sleepy cobwebs in my mind I tried to call upon the scripture hidden there.
Somewhere in the night, I fell asleep, but the next day the fears returned. I was sure danger was lurking somewhere, that something bad was going to happen; have you ever felt that way? Have you ever been haunted by a fear that isn't founded in reality? Satan had me going, and I was buying into it in a big way. The day passed and night fell again; the fears grew stronger. I imagined the knock at the door telling me my husband would never come home, I imagined hearing glass breaking and someone entering uninvited, I imaged smoke filling my room, or a phone call telling me some unthinkable accident had occurred; fear is of Satan, and I know that, but my mind is weak and my imagination is limitless.
As I prayed over Samuel last night, a thought fluttered through my mind, "I wish I was home..." I wouldn't be scared this way if I was safe in the confines on my castle, the fortress of my childhood; fear couldn't touch me there. Then, as only God can, He spoke to me, "I am your Fortress, Amanda. Why are you not asking Me to be that for you?" And suddenly, in that moment, I was free; Satan's grasp faltered, and then it all together fell away. My God is my Fortress; how could I have forgotten that?
I don't have to be physically inside a castle, He has to be inside of my heart. Fear grows and festers inside of the deepest recesses of our soul; if it finds a foothold there, it builds it's home and it makes itself good and comfortable. Some people live in fear daily, it becomes their master, and it defines what they do and how they feel.
The bible has quite a bit to say about fear; I like Psalm 46:1, "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." I love the words "ever-present"; there is never a time when He is not with us. My favorite verse though, and the one I prayed last night, is Psalm 91:2, "...'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Satan will attack where he knows he has a chance of tripping you up; for me, fear of the dark and of the unknown is very, very real. He had me going for a little while until I turned to my "ever-present help", "my refuge and my fortress"; when I did that, my fear packed up and head for the hills. God brings freedom when we turn to Him. He knows your weaknesses too, but do you know what He says about your weaknesses? In 2 Corinthians 12:9 Paul is speaking, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness.'" His power is waiting to step in when I am weak; He loves me that much. He knows where I stumble, He knows where Satan will attack, and He says, "Turn to Me, and I will make you strong."
Are you fearing something today? Do you need to feel the protection of a fortress surrounding you? Is Satan bringing wave upon wave of attacks directly at your weakest point? Don't give in; rely on the One who promises to be your Refuge, your Fortress, and your Deliverer from fear. Isaiah 41:10 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed , for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Do you know that He is with you? Have you asked Him, specifically, to be your fortress?
Fear can and will find a foothold if you leave yourself open to it; I spent 24 hours fearing the lies the devil planted in my mind. The good news is that when I surrendered it all to God, His relief, my rescue, was instantaneous. When you let God in, fear moves out. Our souls aren't capable of fully serving two masters, and our God promises that if we lean on Him entirely He will take care of everything else.
Ask God to build His impenetrable fortress around you because in Him there is no fear. Step out in faith and He will meet you where you are, giving strength in your weakness, and never leaving you in trouble. Trust in Him, and in Him alone.
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